Insanity 101

Welcome to Inadequate Parenting 101.

In this class you will learn how to appear as if you're supervising and or parenting your children. The skills acquired during this course should enable you to successfully fly under the wire for local child protective services without the effort involved for real and diligent parenting.
The class has been broken down into 7 weeks.

Week 1: How look as if you're following your child's soccer game while texting or twittering with your blog friends. We will be covering believable facial expressions and appropriate pauses between "oohs and ahhs".

Week 2: How to make school uniforms appear as if they were washed over the weekend when they're discovered at the bottom of the laundry hamper 15 minutes before school begins.

Week 3: Preparing a round meal when there are only 25 minutes of home time per day. Frozen pizza is round, bowls of cereal are round etc...

Week 4: How to appear as if you really want their friends over and yet manage to avoid extra muddy footprints. We will practice calling the parents of child and extending invitations with heartfelt apologies for the severe bout of mono currently in the home, or asking if they mind if the kids play nekked outside to keep mud off of the carpets when they come in.

Week 5: How to drive without the radio to provide a good study environment

Week 6: Learn acceptable school absence excuses for the days when you really don't want to get out of bed and how to space them so as not to alert truancy officers.

Week 7: Stocking the refrigerator with easily prepared foods (that a toddler can manage) so meal times will not interfere with blogging.

Supplies required for this class: apathy, pencils and paper.
(The instructor has not been designated at this time because there are so many to choose from this semester).

This Monday Mission post has been brought to you by Painted Maypole. This week's mission is write your post in the form of a class description. Click on over and check it out (and say a prayer, she's gearing up for Ike now).

Summer's Last Stand

Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek
Because of our friend's sudden, unexpected death and my Hubby's lengthy work hours, our summer holiday nearly slipped by unnoticed like last year's-- the summer from Hades while the Hubby was deployed.
Determined to not have "Parent's Remorse" on the first day of school this term (you know that feeling, when the children who drove you absolutely insane for six weeks enter the building and you're left standing there alone in the deafening silence wondering where the time went), we forced them to go to castles, a neolithic flint mine, a medieval war reenactment and the very last day of their break, a boat ride on the Norfolk Broads.I did say when we moved here that I wanted to ride on the broads before we left. Every time I crossed a bridge in the Norwich area, I restated that goal.Monday (Labor Day to you, nothing over here), we hopped on a boat and toured the broads. The first two hours were fun for the kids. The second two hours (I know, what moron sticks her young children on a four-hour saunter down a river?) weren't so much so. They were tired, coming off a sugar high (they had pocket change and the boat sold sweets) and itching to get home to kick a football around with their friends. But I'm glad we did it.I'm hoping the kids will have selective memories.
With 40 (or so) photos of smiles and giggles I hope they will remember the last day of their summer holiday as one spent with the parents who love them and boating through the beautiful English countryside.

I Tag, You Tag, We All Scream When We Get Tagged

Snooty, you tricky woman.

She ropes me in with her Texas humour, and when I'm properly cow-tied to her blog, she tags me. Actually, Karen Deborah got me with this one too, and I stalled until school was back in session.
This one's simple enough and I've been so lucky to fly under the radar for so long, I figure I can alter my usual post style and just talk about me. (hah! did you just spit on your keyboard?).

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:

Only seven? Am I dying soon?
1. Attend the Highland Games in Scotland.
2. See a Royal Shakespeare Company production in Stratford-upon- Avon
3. Visit all 50 states
4. Hike the Appalacian Trail.
5. learn to ballroom dance
6. learn to belly dance (kill my kids off in embarrassment at the same time)
7. Travel: Pompeii, Turkey, Greece, Alaska to see the Northern Lights (Beany, I'll need a sofa. I don't mind camping, but I do mind camping with bears).

Seven Things I Can Do:

1. I can change my own tire and oil. (Talking car, not the tire around my middle and the oil in my Tzone).
2. I can drive a patient person insane (ask the Hubby).
3. Whinge. Like nobody.
4. Pull a lesson (sunday school, family home evening) together with little notice.
5. Juggle. Not balls, kids' schedules.
6. Paint. Oils mostly. These days I just paint house interiors though. Satin. easily cleanable.
7. Draw. Because I am never satisfied with anything, it was really hard to list this in the "can do" section.

Seven Things I Can't Do:

1. I cannot do the splits. At this point in my life, I don't think it's going to happen.
2. I can't do the taco thing with my tongue. You know, the rolling thing that 80% of the world's population can do, but I can't. My entire family including the 22 month-old can.
3. I cannot write a short post. ever.
4. Give up photography. I've tried to go places without a camera and I just end up using my phone's camera.
5. I can't memorize lines anymore (and watching a production gives me anxiety just thinking about it).
6. I apparently can't sing anymore. I used to.
7. I can't stand when people talk to me when they can obviously see I'm blogging.

Seven Things That Attract Me To The Opposite Sex:

1. Sense of humour
2. Nice eyes, if they're attached to nice bum, all the better.
3. Apparently youth. I am going to be one of those sick old ladies checking out the young guy bagging my groceries.
4. A Man Who Thinks I'm Beautiful. (sore spot in my marriage-- remember the quiz?)
5. Great conversationalist... going along with #6
6. Intelligence. Looks are nothing if he can't talk. Geodes are lovely, but I wouldn't want to marry one.
7. kindness. My hubby is really kind to my friends. I like that (and so do they, he has a fan club).

Seven things I say most often:

1. I'm tired.
2. Don't put that in your mouth
3. get your finger out of your nose
4. Remember your little sister/brother is on there (the trampoline warning given about 9 times daily)
5. Eternal Perspective, Eternal Perspective (chanted while the kids are making me wonder why I didn't remain celibate)
6. One more minute (usually said in a robot-like trance while typing frantically on the keyboard).
7. Get off (of the furniture). Get out (of the refrigerator). Get in the car!

Seven Celebrity Crushes:

In no particular order (in case one of them is reading my blog and wants to meet me).
1. Patrick Dempsey... oh my.
2. Sean Connery
3. Matthew McConaughey
4. Liam Neeson
5. Eye candies Orlando Bloom & Johnny Depp, see why I may be that sick old lady?
6. Ralph Feinnes
7. Mel Gibson
8. Colin Firth
Seven schmeven... who can only think of seven?

Now the poor seven souls who I am going to burden with all of this thinking:
psyche! I have no one to tag. I think everyone but me has done this. If not--I tag YOU!

WW -- I'm Thinking It's Time to Mow

Sticks and Stones and Uptight Teachers

Mrs. Grockle,

I wanted to discuss certain behaviour I have recently observed on the school grounds, and because I love teaching your children and (usually) enjoy having them in my class, I hope you don't take offense.
Mrs. Grockle, it is our policy that we treat others with respect. Any behaviour that may hurt someones feelings will not be tolerated on the playground. Running, gymnastic-like cartwheels and skipping that could endanger another is not permitted. Loud voices and shouting is disruptive.
I feel it is my duty to ask you if in the future would you please refrain from "celebrating" the drop-off of your children and limit your cartwheels, "who hoo!"ing and skipping across the lawn to your own garden.

Thank you,
Your embarrassed children's humble teacher.

This post has been a Monday Mission. This Monday's Mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a post in the form of a letter home from a teacher. Brought to you by Painted Maypole.
For you folks new to my blog, Monday Missions is one of the few blog-assignments I participate in regularly. It's an ingenious way of kick-starting dead brain cells. I'm so glad it's back on! Check it out and join the fun.