No really, I want to sit down and ask you a few questions. We're friends, right? You can tell friends anything without fear of judgement.
I can tell you right now that what I want to talk about will get me dropped off about 15 blog rolls. I won't fit in the mold anymore....um, which mold does this blog fall into?
The thing is, and I know this may surprise you, but there are days I really don't like being a mother.
GASP. shock. Hey, you there, judging, take my kids for a day, please.
I read kid magazines and get all giddy thinking of play dough, finger paint, summer reading lists and nature crafts. Birthday party planning thrills me to no end. Shopping for a wardrobe that would please a princess makes me nearly euphoric. However, the day in day out whining, pooping, slobbering, puking, bickering, competitiveness-- did I mention whining?-- has me considering making a run for it.
I'm wondering, how hard is it to change your identity and leave no trail behind?
Because as much as I dread school being back in session and the guilt that comes with it (how much we didn't do that we had planned), I dread another moment more (the one when my eyes open every morning and the realization sinks in, "Oh, crap, I'm still here?").
Every day,
I know there will be three days' worth of laundry waiting for me-- even though I may have stayed up until midnight finishing "the last load".
I know my role as a short order cook will begin when their eyes open and will end after three starved pajama'd prison (bed) escapees receive their last morsel for the day.
I know that regardless what I have planned, where I have taken them, how much I have spent, A., something will go wrong (ie: the expensive foray into the dinosaur park only to have A2 stung under the eye by a wasp 45 minutes into it), or B., someone will cry boredom. 15 times.
Please tell you me you feel this way.
Please tell me when your kind neighbors are busy trying to get their house in order for an overseas move, your child shatters their patio table by throwing a rock over the fence...
and that the older neighborhood kids that have jumped on your trampoline, eaten at your BBQs and sworn to you, making full eye contact, to look out for your boys as they play over on the green taught your children all of those colourful swear words as well.
I used to be happy in Motherhood. Not happy as in "Wow, I won the lottery!" happy, but happy as in "My son was at your house all day and DIDN'T break anything?" happy.
That was before Miss Ky hit the "terrible Two's" at 18 months. Before I lost a friend and had no spare time to myself to mourn him. Before we had enough rainy days to have me considering taking an Ark Building 101 course.
I didn't invite you for a pity party, really. Just some validation. You have days like these, right?
oh.
you don't?
Oh you KNOW I feel the same way lately. I have so been in the Mom funk these past few weeks. I am SO with you.
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is HARD. Before I was one I heard that all the time. I had no idea. I do love it, but man I wasn't (and that hasn't really changed) ready for what came. And what comes.
E-mail me anytime. We will bond over messy houses and too much laundry and a whole lot of Mom guilt. It will be grand fun! I already know you are a kindred spirit. :)
i have never, ever, ever, never felt that way, ever, at all. nope.
ReplyDeleteoh crap. My nose just grew so long it broke my computer moniter...
OH BOY, I do, I really, really do. I was nodding and saying, "Mmmm-hmm, amen sister, you know it," while reading this. You may be feeling awful but reading about it made me feel a little better. Ehh. That didn't come out right...
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there. And anyone who says they haven't is lying. So there.
ReplyDeleteAnd being honest with yourself makes it easier in the long run. Really.
But I'm happy that school starts on Monday! Yippee!
Lately I've been wondering why the hell I am considering having a fourth child when the three I have drive me absolutely nuts. Yep. I've been there. It can all be just so monotonous. And tiring. And annoying. And life sucking. Oops. Did I go too far?
ReplyDeleteWhatever. I've been there. And the torential downpours you have been having can't help either. Too many days of rain or cold/snow always makes me depressed.
Hang in there hon! After the floods the rainbow always comes. :)
Fargiliciously correct.
ReplyDeleteI don't got no energy left fur nothin' else. That's how it all adds up today.
Oh my WORD, woman. It's why I don't home school anymore. I couldn't take another minute of it. I was big as a house, eating Ben n Jerry's ice cream all the time because I was so depressed. Feeling guilty that I hated my job. You are SO not alone.
ReplyDeleteStay away from the ice cream. I'm just sayin'.
Oh, are you not a member of the "This often sucks club", I can't believe we forgot to invite you. You are so normal, it's so hard with two and you have so many more. You will be rewarded when they are older, YOU WILL but I totally get your thinking.
ReplyDeleteOh, you'd better believe I have days like this. There is a big, huge, gigantic reason that I practically jump for joy every time I drop my oldest off at school in the morning. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm so thoroughly in love with my daughter, I'd wonder why the heck I decided to have a 4th child when my older 3 were so insane! YES!!! I feel this way, too. One of my favorite ways of putting it is that parenting will either be my salvation or my damnation, and most of the time it's the latter. I love my kids so much, but somedays I just can't take another minute of it.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm definitley not throwing you off my blogroll for being so completely normal. :)
ReplyDeleteI have added you haven't I. I am soooo soooo with you this has been the most trying summer, week, age, husband, ever. I am in the throws of the terrible twos too, and am considering paying 30 dollars on friday just to have some peace while she is a daycare.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I totally feel like this more often than I care to admit.
ReplyDeleteI am so very tired of the bickering and whining especially. I was just remembering today a phrase that my mom often uttered, and realized she felt the same way too. "I'm running away" she would say.
Heck no I wouldn't throw you off my blogroll, in fact I'm going to add you right now. :o)
oh honey, you KNOW I feel the same way you do. I just spent the past 3 hours (it is late at night here now) filling out forms to get my son assessed by professionals who will hopefully tell me there really IS something wrong with him and it is not just that I am a complete failure as a mother. I read through his school behaviour book and over and over I read "Aiden hit so and so today. Aiden spoke rudely to me today. Aiden screamed and yelled. Aiden did this. Aiden did that." Now THAT is how to make you feel AWESOME about parenting.
ReplyDeleteAnd you should see my laundry room.
And the chaos around me that I ignored just so I could spend a couple hours NOT picking stuff up.
And my used-to-be-so-sweet Olivia has also entered her terrible two 6 months early. All I heard today was "nononononononono" and "daaaadeee" and since I haven't managed to wean her completely yet (ya, I know, it is my own fault) she spent half the day pulling at my shirt and crying. She is teething and driving me insane. Stupid eye teeth.
And plus there is other crap going on that makes me long to put myself on a tropical beach ALONE.
I am going to email you now.
I wish we could have tea.
I too feel the same way! There are many days I wake up and ask myself "Why? WHY did I become a mom???"
ReplyDeleteBut then Emma comes up and gives me a big hug and kiss and it makes me feel better.
Well, that really burns me up! I just wrote a loong and encouraging comment and then that blogg-o-monster jumped out and gobbled it all up! How frustrating!
ReplyDeleteWell, never you mind ... I have a great memory so here goes try #2. (Blog-gobbler be warned ... I'm tougher than I look and these dancers legs can run faster than you can! So there!)
My dear, sweet friend ... take heart in knowing that we have all been right where you sit: In the gutter looking down at the large quantity of swill that flows past. But, take heart! Remember to look up at the stars (as you've reminded me in the past) and rejoice in knowing that "Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world." This swill is all temporary.
Once I sat in my garden and wished for my breath to cease so that I could soar free from the pain. Many years later I sat at the bedside of my son and prayed he would continue breathing so that I could hold him tightly to my bosom once again. We're such a crazy mixed-up bundle of love and emotions all crammed into the frailest of flesh. It makes no sense sometimes, but know that we are all running around in the same state. (Though some do have better looking flesh-packs -- how is that fair, God?)
I wish you could pop over for a good strong cuppa tea and something oh-so-decadent-and-delicious to nibble on in dainty bites while we cry, laugh, and CELEBRATE life as daughters of the King who somehow ended up swinging their gangly legs in the gutter when there is green grass to be danced upon. I'm right by your side, on my knees, praising God for having stumbled upon your blog merely because I had to see who would name a blog such a thing. What a blessing!
Here's to hope for enough sunshine to pink your cheeks and enough rain to wash the gutters clean ... for today.
Love you XOXOXOX ; )
Oh boy oh boy do I ever have days like that.
ReplyDeleteIf you discover a way to change your identity and leave no trace, please let me know, I'd love to have that info!
OF COURSE~ there are days I want MY life back, want to sleep in, want to relax all day long, want to spend the extra money on ME. It's normal to feel like that. Ab-so-freaking-lutely! You vent. You whine. Whatever you need sweetpea. I understand. And, email me or Plurk about it, too if you need to.
ReplyDeleteI get it, I do. And I am adding you to my blog roll, not dropping you :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe added to 15+ blogrolls, for being honest and human. It doesn't help that there father is over in iaq fighting a war. You are very brave you didn't even mention that. That's England rubbing off on you, stiff upper lip and all that.
ReplyDeleteThe terrible two's are not for the faint of heart. I can't do that anymore, I swat their little butts.
Don't even workin the nursery at church, might forget myself and swat a little bugger. It's reflex at this point, mindless reflex.
You see it get's worse, these little people turn into teenagers which cause other people permanent brain damage. And uhhh my favorite color is clear.
If you'd like to play a little- TAG.
Who doesn't? The one who said no is lying! that's how I feel....when we are into the parenting-stuff for too long...we dread it...but the funny thing about this rewarding job is, you don't really want to be out of it COMPLETELY, oh did you mean you do?
ReplyDeletefor me, all it takes is a full-day off from those little rascals and I'll be back like a fully charged battery operated bunny, ready to go on and on....but not often, seldom, hardly, rarely....do I get the chance to have that me-day...occasional me-time, yes. but me-day....ohhhhh I'm still waiting...
Yes, I have so been right where you are. Being a mom definitely takes a toll! It is the hardest job and least appreciated job there is, I think. I only had two kids, but that was enough for me. Not sure how I could have handled more. It really does get better though as they get older. At least it did for me.
ReplyDeleteNow in just a couple of weeks, my older son will be leaving for college, and I'm dreading the hole he will leave behind because I know I will miss him terribly. Hang in there, some days are wonderful---some days aren't. When they are older, you tend to remember all the wonderful days from the past and the not so wonderful ones fade in your memory.
Oh, yes, I have those days...
ReplyDeleteI can so appreciate your wonderful line: Not happy as in "Wow, I won the lottery!" happy, but happy as in "My son was at your house all day and DIDN'T break anything?" happy.
BRILLIANT!
Hang in there...we all have those days.
HUGS!
You are in very good company;)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine not feeling that way. I'm not sure you'd be quite human if you didn't.
ReplyDelete~*
Thank you for putting it all so eloquently and so hilariously. I understand why many animals eat their young. I can't believe I didn't eat my two, so I can only imagine how you must feel.
ReplyDeleteOh my! Yes! Every day for at least part of the day. I like my children best when they are sleeping. Loved this post.
ReplyDelete