But,
I have to wonder if maybe subconsciously it was this day that lead me to it.
Less of a "Chicken and the Egg" debate and more like, "Was I grumpy because I was getting sick, or did I get sick because I was so grumpy?"
33 years ago my dad died of a sudden heart attack.
Today I honoured him by shouting at my kids and telling my husband that "I quit". I'm sure it was a proud moment for him.
There's just some days that being everything for everybody gets a little old.
Today was the third of three days per week that I am supposed to have a couple of hours to myself (you know, to catch up on laundry. Or finally remove the rest of the wallpaper that the children have destroyed so that I can paint). The first two days were entirely consumed by my family and this day was supposed to be spent grocery shopping (when you add an hour drive each direction, yes it does take the day).
Of course it was this day that the commissary chose to have the fewest cashiers, the traffic was the absolute worst and of the two people listed as emergency contacts for my kids, one is terribly ill (nearing hospitalization) and the other is away for the three-day weekend.
There was 45 minutes of extremely stressful clock-watching while stuck waiting for trains, slow moving tractors, lorries and Friday traffic.
I ran up to the school 10 minutes late for the boys, which made me 25 minutes late for Miss Ky (same area). At least it gave me great parking, since all of the other kids had been picked up.
One boy child was snarky and downright disrespectful and Miss Ky was obstinate about staying behind for her after-school party. The one I forgot about. The one I insisted she could NOT stay for since I had a car full of frozen items that had already traveled for an hour as it was.
I cried quietly into my sunglasses all the way home.
Yes, this is a frequent whinge on this blog, but I'm really looking for confirmation that I'm not the only one who questions if this is all there is. See, I even feel guilty saying that because I am so abundantly blessed...
I just wonder if there is a way to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a church member, etc... and not have a day that is spent trying to get somewhere for someone by some time.
I want to know that someone has figured out the technique for doing something you love (or hate, like exercise not hidden in a fun package like dancing or swimming) and still be successful in the above titles.
My dad was only 49 when he passed away.
I often wonder if he felt his life was lived fully...Father, husband, son-in-law, brother, friend.
He was bowling with his good friends in a tournament when
the heart attack struck,
so I have a sneaking suspicion he did.
I still miss you Dad.
He was bowling with his good friends in a tournament when
the heart attack struck,
so I have a sneaking suspicion he did.
I still miss you Dad.
This post is really sad to me. Look at the bright side - tomorrow is no longer April 30th.
ReplyDeleteHope it is a better day and that they finally hire the sales clerks they need.
As the mom of four, I get it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, there are certain days of the year, which are just tougher than the other 364.
There were so many days I questioned why I made the choices I made, to lead me to the life I had. I too, always knew I was richly blessed...but....
Let's fast forward to years down the road... my children now are grown. My daughters have daughters of their own, and I listen to their sobs of how they will ever make it through one more day of crying babies, runny noses, endless laundry.
It's what we do and who we are. The rewards are a bit cloudy, we get glimpses now and again when a small hand reaches for ours...and then one day....it's gone. I look back and wonder how all those years could be gone forever now. How I wish I could step back into one of those insanity days now...knowing the days are long but the years are short.
My hugs and prayers to you....
Stay strong and pray hard!
~AM
I am so sorry. Your dad was so young, and that makes is hard. My dad was almost 85, and that was tough, but at least we had him that long.
ReplyDeleteI think we all go through times when we wonder if this is all there is to it. I don't have the answer to that, except I know the One who made us, and who keeps us in His hand, and He doesn't give us more than we can handle.
Blessings to you, dear J. May the Lord bless you richly and give you a day of joys on May 1st.
I'm so sorry for your loss. The thing is, I promise you your dad had days like this and would completely understand.
ReplyDeleteWe all, well at least all us mere mortals, have days, weeks, God forbid months like this. Life's hard. Reality's hard. I certainly don't have any magic secrets to reveal or wonderful tips to share, but lots of empathy and an emphatic, I've been there.
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.
I am sorry to hear about your difficult day--for the significance of it as well as the individual challenges.
ReplyDeleteAs difficult as it seems now, I hope that, when looking back at days like today, you hardly remember them and instead the good times are what resides in your memory.
My dad would have been 70 years old a couple of weeks ago, had he lived. It's strange to grow up as an adult without a father, I think. I wonder if my life would have been a bit different with a guiding hand. I GET what you are saying. It is tough to try to be everything without being ourselves. It's hard to be selfish!
ReplyDeleteJeri don't be too hard on yourself because being a mother is the most difficult job in the world.
ReplyDeleteThat is the reason I have been looking after a friend's little boy one day a week since he was born 3 1/2 years ago. I wanted her to have a day when she only had herself to consider.
You will always miss your Dad but try and think of the fun times you had together.
Lots of love, hugs and light coming your way.
Peggy xxx
well you already know I wonder the same things you do!
ReplyDeleteAnd I bet your dad is very proud of you- even if you whinge!
My Aiden turned 8 today. I have a migraine and when my sons popped a balloon next to me I screamed at them to stop... in my defense a balloon popping sounds like a bomb explosion when I have a migraine. But still. Yelling at a kid on his birthday just isn't cool.
And I made my husband go out and purchase a gaming device for Olivia. 3.5 year old Olivia. Just so she would give me three minutes of peace and quiet and stop pestering her brothers constantly to use theirs.
And she still isn't potty trained and I've had two friends tell me I should get her checked out to make sure everything is working properly. But in all likelihood I am probably just pushing her too hard or something. But she IS 3.5. And she is supposed to start school in Sept. And I've been changing multiple diapers every day for 8 years straight. I want to be done now.
Apparently I could use a few hours of alone time too. Go figure :)
Hugs to you... maybe someday our children will rise up and call us blessed like good ol' Proverbs 31 says.
Have I ever told you I hate Proverbs 31? I do. That chick is way too perfect for my liking.
Don't be so hard on yourself my dear... I think you are fabulous :)
I can't pretend that I 'get it' as I don't have kids, husband etc... I just wanted to comment to say that I think your post was truly honest and I am sure that there are many people who read it wishing they could be so honest with their emotions.
ReplyDeleteI hope that somebody realises the significance of today and gives you a helping hand.
My dad died of a sudden heart attack when he was 56 years old. That was in 1985! Wow! That long? Doesn't seem like it. And I miss him too!
ReplyDeleteHe always did for others...worked long hours and had to travel, by car, a lot. Did he have a good life? Dunno!! It seemed he was just beginning to have fun when he died. Sigh!
Kids never appreciate their moms until they have children of their own. My son is 43 now and is finally appreciating his mom. Took long enough! He has five kids of his own and four are teenagers!! Pay backs are a bitch!
Takes awhile for husbands to appreciate their wives too. They have to be trained to notice. Sad but true.
You need to set your own boundaries and time frame and stick to it best you can. That is the best advice I can give you.
This time will pass before you know it. But know that kids are mostly selfish and that doesn't change for a long long time. Sorry!
Hugging you
(one who has her own time now)
SueAnn
Wow. You were so young when you lost your father. And, no, you are not alone. Hugs to you, and Happy May Day;)
ReplyDeleteI hope today will be a better one for you. Yesterday was a rough one. I understand how tough it is to get anything done when you are expected to be three places at once. It just isn't possible. And because it isn't possible, you should not be so hard on yourself. Trying to carry such a load is stressful--it would be for anyone. Things will get better. The kids will get older and learn to drive themselves where they need to go, and then you'll have a whole new set of worries, but you'll still wonder where the years went. Knowing that doesn't help you much from where you are now though, I'm sure. I'm so sorry about your Dad dying so young. Remembering him yesterday was another reminder to you how short life is, I think. We all want our time here to matter, to be worth something. Trust me, the time you are spending with and for your family matters and is worthwhile. Big hug to you from me. I hope you find lots of reasons to smile today.
ReplyDeleteYep. We all have days like these. I know I do. "I quit" has crossed my lips too many times than I care to admit. Being everything to everyone leaves no time to be anything for yourself. And that is HARD. But, before you know it we will have all the time in the world for ourselves and wishing we had little children around to drive us crazy. ;) At least that is what I try to remind myself of in those dark moments.
ReplyDeleteI've been having a hard time missing my dad lately. It seems to be hitting me more now than it did right after his passing.
I think your dad would be SO PROUD of you. You are a wonderful wife, mother, friend. You just need a break every once in a while. Everyone does. :)
Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteso many things to say and no words to say them. Thinking you a hug instead!
ReplyDeleteI think you're a good mom! Hopefully the kids settle down and let you get your time in to relax. But you have every right to say I quit at times :) *HUG*
ReplyDeleteNow I understand the chocolate and pop post. It's okay to google that cake now.
ReplyDelete