The Curse of The Good Girl

I always thought I'd like doing book reviews, but what I discovered with this assignment is that life is not always complimentary to obligations. I so desperately wanted to shoot through this book and take my time relaying it's wonderfulness (or not) to you in my own sweet time, but it wasn't to be that way, so please bear with me while I try to do this book justice.

The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence
by Rachel Simmons
Hardcover: 288 pages
Publisher: The Penguin Press (August 25, 2009)
ISBN-13: 978-1594202186

The dust jacket: In The Curse of the Good Girl, Rachel Simmons ... argues that in idealizing the Good Girl we are teaching girls to embrace a version of selfhood that sharply curtails their power and potential. Unerringly nice, polite, modest, and selfless, the Good Girl is a paradigm so narrowly defined that it’s unachievable. When girls inevitably fail to live up to these empty expectations--experiencing conflicts with peers, making mistakes in the classroom or on the playing field-they become paralyzed by self-criticism that stunts the growth of their vital skills and habits. Simmons traces the poisonous impact of Good Girl pressure on girls' development and provides a strategy to reverse the tide. At once illuminating and prescriptive, The Curse of the Good Girl is an essential guide to contemporary girl culture and a call to arms from a new front in female empowerment."

First, I need to tell you that I entered "The Curse of the Good Girl" very hesitantly because I am pretty old school when it comes to female rolls in society. I was NOT interested in reading an "I am woman hear me roar" book. I mean, I'm completely ok with career women doing their thing, but for me, it's June Cleaver all the way* and I don't need anyone telling me that my idea is outdated or unpopular or stifling to young girls.
*Maybe it's because it's nearly the polar opposite of what I grew up with and that's for another time.

I was fully expecting this book to expound how one could shake off domesticity and join the "real" women-- why? Not because of anything the dust jacket told me-- I inferred it from the title. Call me defensive, I'm ok with that.

Anyway, as I slowly crept (this is not one of those on-fire page turner story books) into the middle of "The Curse", I began to let my defenses down and just began to enjoy what there was to learn. And that's what this book is, folks, it's a self-help/child psychology/Dr. Phil-sort of learn-to- live-your-life-better book.

If all of my kids were grown and out of the house, I would've felt terrible with the new information I gleaned. As it is, I was able to spot mistakes I have made (am making) and ways to improve for the remaining four (Sorry Son #1, I did the best I knew how). Just for clarification here: this book is NOT teaching our girls not to be nice, not to be good. It's more about understanding, recognizing and giving validation to emotions. It's about teaching girls ways to resolve conflict without giving up their beliefs.

If you have a teenage or soon-to-be teenage daughter in your house (or niece, granddaughter, neighbor, store clerk...) this book is an enlightening insight to the mind set of a young girl, but here's the surprise: YOU (we) may just be a "Good Mother" (gasp), a woman who's "Good Girl" mindset is not only keeping you (us) from living fully but bleeding into your daughter's (son's) life by your example. Ouch.
Fortunately this book helps "Good Mothers" spot that behaviour and teaches how to stop. Stop downplaying emotions, stop doing what you think everyone wants you to do. Stop giving in because we're afraid it's not nice to stand up for what we deserve.

One of my favourite bits is the summary for the chapter titled, "My Daughter Myself":

"...But the best thing a mother can do for that daughter is to be herself, with all the challenges that being real entails. Being real means taking up space and having needs; it means drawing the line and saying no. Being real means walking into every room as the same woman, whether you're in a conference room or a family room. And being real means not just tolerating the messiness of relationship but embracing it as the raw material of a family's growth and development."

And here's some things I think that every family should adopt as house rules:

NJZ (no-joke zone). That's when jokes that hit a nerve can be immediately stopped with the simple declaring "NJZ". "When NJZ is called, the other person must apologize sincerely...When you respect the NJZ, you own your mistake and acknowledge the other person's feelings."

"Eliminate "No Offense" (and "just kidding") from your family's vocabulary...If you cannot say something without saying 'no offense', you are better off finding another way to say it."

So, surprise surprise--this book didn't tell me to leave my husband, burn my bra or anything I was afraid it was going to.
Instead it suggested different ways of communication for family members as well as offer tips for teaching our daughters healthy communication (along with tools for resolving conflicts) with their friends.
Nothing to be defensive about here, unless understanding and helping our daughters (and even sons) maneuver their way through social interactions without giving up their dreams is something we wouldn't want to strive for.

Thumbs up on this blog for The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence by Rachel Simmons.