It's foggy in England
and in my head.
I am being pulled in every direction by people who have not earned a piece of me and the result is a very numb and foggy person.
I may have mentioned before (once a week) that my calling at church is sucking the life out of me. It's because I have such a different opinion than those who I report to. I'm coming to you now for your opinion.
Tell me if you think I'm cold and heartless:
I fully believe in the "teach a person to fish" way of thinking. I fully believe that if one has lived one's life as such that everyone close was driven away and one has not attempted to build friendships, it kind of sucks to be you now that one is housebound.
Ok, that sounded harsh--I mean, I will come visit and bring you a meal or a card and listen to your woes, but you better not demand what day and what time I should show up and ring the Bishop with a list of expectations of someone who just wants to be home with her family (that she hasn't driven away yet). Also, it's best not to shoot down all of the ideas I bring to you for ways we can help you help yourself, it actually makes me less sympathetic to your dilemma.
I truly believe that if you are a sweet lady who has been handed an unbelievable amount of illness and trials in the last couple of months, you deserve to be taken care of by others in your church. However, the fact that you are adored doesn't change that many people are home sick or their children have Hand, Foot and Mouth or "Slap Cheek" or the lack the petrol funds to drive you 30 minutes into the city twice a day.
I honestly feel that petty arguments between women about how they rear their children (or don't is the current issue) should be kept within the group of women involved. I don't need to be brought into it. I am not an arbitrator, I am not a mediator, I should not receive phone calls at 10 pm because someones wife had her feelings hurt (unless of course it was my mouth that did the hurting).
The thing is, this is just the tip of what I am dealing with every day and I wake up wondering when the Turrets will override what little patience I have. My husband is tired of living with a zombie, my children are tired of telling me things they need for school only to receive a blank look when they ask in the morning where it is so they can get it in their backpack.
What do you think? Am I so far off that I can't see the path? Is it me-- have I forgotten charity, compassion?
Am I too proud? I KNOW how to fish. I have been a pretty good fisherman in the past... I have lived in low income housing, while working long hours. I have received food stamps at one point in my life, after the fire devastated us. We were on WIC at a time as well, and went off long before we were ineligible. One year, I had one illness on top of another where I received care and kindness from church, so I think I'm coming from a place where I know the situations that knock us down (and I understand that if depression is involved, it's really tough to get back up again).
Give it to me. I can take it. Constructive criticism welcome here and an opinion asked for can't be rejected.
The fog is heavy today. I can barely see the trees in the back of my garden. It should make an interesting drive into town to get that mouth guard the kid needs before Rugby today.
You make a lot of sense but it sounds like you need a break. Your family at home comes first. They are the most important.
ReplyDeleteOkay, here goes, you asked...
ReplyDeleteI think you're exactly right. Exactly. BUT, I think you need to summon the courage and say some of these things to the people involved. I know it's easier said than done, believe me, but I think when that phone rings at 10, you have to be able to say, this doesn't concern me, I really don't want to be in the middle of it. I'm sorry you're going through this right now, but I just can not be involved.
I would offer to visit, take a meal, whatever you can do without short-changing yourself and your family, offer, and if it's not good enough, sadly express regrets and let it go. The Bishop, if he's good, and if he's been around a while, will understand the need to draw boundaries.
Good luck. You have my empathy.
Aw...Jeri, my heart goes out to you. You are so kind and giving and have such a generous spirit. It is one thing to be compassionate and helpful to those in need. That is a noble and wonderful thing to do. However, those in need can and often do take undue advantage of the kindness offered to them by folks like yourself. When it is causing you such enormous stress and is affecting your own family life to such a degree, it is definitely time for you to reclaim your life. I'm not saying give up your church work completely, but you are allowed to take a break. You are allowed to say, "No, I'm sorry, I can't help you with that." Or do whatever you need to do to preserve your sanity and your own sense of peace. Your family needs you too. You also need to take time to take care of yourself and your own needs. If you push yourself to such limits that it affects your health, you won't be able to help out anyone at all---not the people of your church, not your family and friends, and not even yourself. Best of luck to you in finding a balance of all these things that works for you. Sending a big cyber hug to you. (Sorry this is so long!! I have experienced a little of what you are feeling in the past, I think.)
ReplyDeleteMom24 said it well. Those involved need to know how you feel (and that's not something I could probably do myself.)That doesn't mean that your compassion and empathy are gone. It doesn't mean that you're saying no to serving. It doesn't mean you don't want to be there in the future. It's not selfish to protect your own mental health. It's not selfish to take a step back and give yourself some time to regroup.
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for insight, and wisdom, and strength for you. I'll also pray that the Lord will send just the right person into your life right now to "be there" for you.
I feel your pain. I cannot say no to my church either, and it comes back to bite me sometimes. Boundaries are easier talked about than they are to maintain. I'll be sending you light;)
ReplyDeleteIf you have caller ID, please use it? Don't answer the phone past eight unless it's family. The Bishop or the needy lady can call someone else.
ReplyDeleteThere's a great book out called Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. It rocks. Sounds like you know the principles. Too bad you can't go handing it out to other people. But it might not hurt to review it.
You know that if I were there I'd gladly beat these people for you. I had to learn to say no to needy church people. My Hunny came in handy helping me say no often enough for me to be good at doing it myself.
Here's how you do it. You flat out tell the woman that you only have x amount to give. That's it. Let her complains. What's the worst thing that could happen? They RELEASE you? See, you win either way!
ReplyDeleteWe have lots of the non-contributors in my ward. I've done more holiday 'charity' giving this year than ever before but EXCLUSIVELY to those who are experiencing temporary hardships. People who have always been the ones to give help but temporarily need it.
I've been involved with enough community stuff to have lost much of my sympathy for the chronically poor. Bad life management has it's consequences. I NEVER waste my time anymore on someone who isn't already trying to lift themself up. I'll bend over backwards to 'help' those who are.
I'm with you sweetie, but the pretty bright wallpaper on the right and side and the sweet little tree over here to my left kept distracting me from the righteous anger I was feeling for your plight...I mean, how could I stay mad at this unnamed miscreant when there was such jocularity over in the perifererals? Yeah, spelled that pretty badly didn't I? But believe me, even though I'm feeling pretty pissed at whoever has set you off, just look at the great backgrounds you've provided me...
ReplyDeletehugs
Sandi
I think the best advice has already been offered here, so I don't know what more I can add. I agree that you need to let the old biddy know you will do this or that for her on your time and on your terms and if she doesn't like it, she can find someone else to do her bidding. Definitely let the gossipmongers know you're not taking sides in the quarrel and they need to go pester someone else. And if all else fails, tell the bishop to take a hike (not really, just kidding); let him know the calling is becoming more than you can handle right now-and that your family life and personal health is suffering for it. I think the Lord will understand. You can still offer service and support to those in need without such rigorous demands on your time.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I also love the new background. Hope you have a better week, and NO!!!! You are noth cold and heartless or insensitive, or whatever other adjectives are out there. Sending prayers too!!
Ok, I'm back again. I just wanted to add that I really do believe there is a reason we're called to certain callings. There's something there for us to learn. I'm sure we've all heard that, and that is why it makes it even harder when we're faced with a tough calling--we don't want to give up on the Lord. Maybe the lesson to be learned here is how to say no--not necessarily to the calling, although that's a possibility and a decision between you and the Lord--but maybe to the people pulling you in all these different directions. {{HUGS}}
ReplyDeleteooh kiddo I think your "no, I can not do that right now," is seriously broken.
ReplyDeleteWe reap what we sow.
Christian charity without love is a worthless cymbal and a clanging gong.
So how about if you do what your heart responds to in love and leave the rest?
It's too much.
Said old lady needs a good strong nurse like yours truly who can put foot down and set boundaries. Even for me sometimes that battle gets lost. Some people think they are the Queen in some forgotten country.
Thanks all-- I actually almost deleted this post because I thought it was kind of taboo to complain about a church calling. I did have a very nice talk today with someone I respect very much, and besides saying just about everything that was said here, he also confirmed that some of the stuff being dumped on me should have never come my way. There's some serious changing about to go down in this place :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad changes are coming! Family first hon, always.
ReplyDeleteWe have to deal with this too in our family... being a pastor's wife has its issues sometimes too.
hugs to you.
I figure as long as we listen to what God is telling us to do we will be doing just fine.
I have learned to say no to church. You can get burnt out if you say yes to everything.
ReplyDeleteJust do what you can when you can and to the best of your ability..... but only if you want to.
You sound an absolute treasure.
Nuts in May
Hmmm... This might possibly be why I no longer attend church. Most of the members never spoke to me anyway & now it's no different, except that they don't call me to do endless amounts of work anymore...
ReplyDeleteStill, family always comes first & our church believes God comes first. I beg to differ...
Your family comes first. Then you need to think about yourself. Nobody else will.
ReplyDelete