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I want a new job.

My job doesn't pay me enough and quite honestly, sucks a majority of the time.
My subordinates are disrespectful. There's inter-office bickering and unhealthy competition. I have brown-nosers always approaching me to paint a negative picture of their colleague.

Then there's the one who is throwing company money around like it grows on trees.
The same one who rings EVERY TIME something isn't going like he thought the real world would. He has a MY General Manager responding to me negatively because I'm not helping him as much as she thinks I should. She forgets I have other employees and can't focus all of my resources on her favourite.

They all call in sick regularly, but when I'm sick, you'll still find me at the head of the company.

I don't think I was the most-qualified for this job when I was thrown into it, and now that my sanity teeters on the edge of Lalalaville, don't think I'm the best one for it.

I want a new job.

Here are my qualifications:

• I am the Queen of multitasking. I can change a baby's poopy diaper while she's standing--with one hand-- while speaking on the phone to a son who refuses to pull himself out of a terrible mess he's dug for himself.

• I can type a blog post while several children are fighting around me.

• Even though it has been suggested my hearing isn't 100 percent, I can hear when a child is sneaking crackers out of the pantry-- three rooms removed from me.
• I have thick skin from all of the years of "I hate you", "People your size aren't supposed to wear horizontal strips are they?" and "Aaron's Mom bought him a new XBox360, I never get anything when it first comes out"s.
• Despite looking flabby and out of shape, I can carry heavy lumps of dead weight up flights of narrow stairs, making sure to dodge squeaky spots--causing contortionists poses.

• I can throw a meal for seven together in less than 30 minutes with whatever is in the kitchen-- a "seven loaf" miracle-- despite the picky tasters that will be present (the list of not-likes being: chicken, pasta that's skinny, cheese, eggs, coconut, strawberries, or any berries that were once whole and are now partially squished/blended/cut and tomato sauce).

• I keep a well-oiled machine. I can be in three places at once, but am hoping the new job won't require it because quite honestly, I'm tired of being everywhere.

I would like my new job to offer company benefits like a 30-minute mandatory bath time-- alone bath time with no one calling someone else a butt and resulting in the "butt" hitting the first, or someone else yelling "there's a poop on our floor" while guilty one rushes upstairs to shove said poop under the bunk beds resulting in me having to remove the under bed drawers to extricate it.
I want a new job.