Some people try to make themselves hard to love.
You may know one...
Someone who is negative.
Sarcastic.
Sometimes caustic.
Any sane person would distance herself from someone like that...
From someone who can drain the fun right out of Disney World with their intolerance,
arrogance, or prejudices.
What do you do when they're family though?
I believe we have unconditional love in our family, but my oldest would tell you we don't. He'd tell you we only criticise him (which is NOT true, I have holes in my tongue from biting it all of the times he needed a good telling off during his stay).
He is a brilliant, talented, creative individual who is currently sporting a massive chip on his shoulder. I hope this is just a stage.
Is there a stage called "Terrible Twenties"?
My oldest went through the terrible teens. Now that she is almost out of them, she's not quite so miserable to be around. I hope it's just a stage too.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, there is such a thing and I'm stuck in the middle of it with a 25 year old & a 23 year old, lol. Our son has gotten better as he's matured, but our daughter (at 23) still has major attitudes... This too shall pass, my friend.
ReplyDeleteHow's the move going?
My son is only 8 but seems to have a lot of the same 'glass half empty and who the heck stole it!" mentality. It's going to be a big challenge for us as he grows- he only ever WANTS to see the negative.
ReplyDeleteI attended a great lecture byu John Lund once at Education Week at BYU called 'How to Hug a Porcupine'. He has a book titled the same "How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities". You can get it on Amazon. Maybe it will have some good coping strategies for you all?
Does your oldest son have his father in his life? The reason I ask this is because when Alleycat was a young adolescent with a horrible attitude, we took her to a child psychologist. The C.P. surmised that because Alleycat's father chose not to be a big part of her life - she felt like he didn't love her, thus she felt unloveable. And like a self-fulfilling prophecy since she thought she was unloveable, she then behaved in a fashion that made her EXTREMELY hard TO love. Not that I still didn't love her, but I sure didn't like her a lot of the time. Then when I'd reach wits end and had had it with her - she'd tell me I didn't love her, that I hated her, blah, blah, blah, thus confirming again that she was indeed unloveable. How's that for psycho-babble?
ReplyDeleteNot easy. Now that she's on her own, she's much easier to be around - but she still pulls this helpless attitude when an obstacle comes her way. Perhaps one of these days (YEARS) when SHE IS a mother she'll fully realize the depth of parental love.
Sorry you are going something that sounds very similar with your oldest. Not easy. Not easy at all.
Do you still keep his room for him? I'd make him snooze on the ratty couch in the basement...or french kiss his dad everytime he says something snotty. I'm just grabbing @ straws here...I curse Mother Nature every day for making us HAVE to love our kids no matter what. Yes, in case some of your readers do not understand my awesome wit, I am being disgustingly sarcastic. When it's one of your kids it must be hard. I have a difficult middle child, but she is only 8...God help me. In the case of my mother, I bless the phone company for call display every day. I usually have to work myself up to a phone conversation with her...sigh. Now I'm all bummed, thanks a bunch;)
ReplyDeleteI have no idea, but I'm sure you'll know the answer by the time my kids are in their 20's. And when that happens, I'm coming to YOU for advice!
ReplyDeleteYou're not encouraging me -- I'm just now getting that with my eleven year old -- I was looking forward to 20.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid there's nothing to do but love them.
Everything else is illegal.
I believe I was almost 30 when I realized how stupid I was.....
ReplyDeleteI am thirty and am just now realizing that everything I thought that I knew in my early 20s was complete BS. Sorry that he is going through a touch time. Hope the two of you find a path of peace and soon.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.... little kids, little problems...bigger kids, bigger problems. Just be there...no matter how hard they kick you in the teeth and stomp on your heart...they do come back...so tough it out. I used to get in my car and drive..so that I could scream every cuss word at my daughter..she is now the mother of my two grandgirls...and we have such a good relationship. I thank God each day, I did not behave as I wanted to, but instead how I needed to. Hope this helps.
ReplyDelete~AirmanMom returning to her blog...
Good for you for being a parent even when he's in his terrible 20's!
ReplyDeleteMan, I wish I had something good to offer, but all I can say is good luck.
ReplyDeleteI hope your move is going well.
I've got a fistful of pixie dust that I am sprinkling your way. I hope you can fly above the fray and enJOY life despite the fray.
ReplyDeleteHope you are happily ensconced in your new "estate" complete with AGA! (Hey, do you think you're just a step or two closer to Heaven now . . . maybe?) : D
I think (and I'm an expert on this, having kids of my own who are only in their early and mid-teens - heh) that it's the age. I remember going through it. Have seen way too many other early 20-somethings go through it, including all four of my now early 20-something cousins. It's normal, unfortunately. Listen to Snooty on this one. And love your boy. But don't put up with his crap.
ReplyDeleteMine are 23 and almost 21. Although they have both been kinder gentler people lately, I do think that some moments in your twenties you sort of get a wake-up call. No longer are you dependent on parents and can blame them for all of the decisions. You are on your own and every decision you make is ypur baby. Also, it has been my experience that family "flow" sometimes gets jostled as these young adults come home from their lives away. It is not the same and "home" feels differently. I know I am even different since I am getting used to home without the kids so it is different when they come home. There will continue to be seasons as we share our lives with adult children...hang in there..it's not you!
ReplyDelete*head bent down* can I tell you that I was once in those shoes...
ReplyDeleteOK...I could have written that regarding my brother and his wife...but they are in the Terrible Thirties.
ReplyDeleteI struggle with offering them unconditional love constantly...and fear it all may come to a standoff everytime we meet in person...thank goodness it is only once (if that) a year.
Hang in there.
I think the key is staying true of ourselves, and not allowing our families to be hurt or taken advantage of...
Thanks for sharing...and making me realize I am not alone in my own family struggles.
I think there is a "terrible" at each and every age. Have patience. He will get through it . . . eventually!
ReplyDeleteIt is easier to understand the agnst of teenagers...they are not adults, neither are they children,and teenage years can be very hard on the young adult who wants to be responsible but needs to rebel, but when they have reached adulthood and still give you hell, then I believe it is time to rethink your strategy. Are you allowing, bad, rude, aggressive behaviour; making excuses...enabling? Sometimes we have to let go the tongue and let rip with a few home truths.
ReplyDelete'Sweetheart, we love you, I love you, but this is my home and I will not have you in it if you cannot at least try, to be civil.'
Good luck.
He thinks you are attacking him? That's not fair. I've seen how you are with us, Miss K, all the crap that gets thrown at you - you are poetry in balancing a million things. And, you are a great parent. Don't let him get you down.
ReplyDeletemy step son just turned 11. and he is exactly like that!! no matter what i say. or how i say it. he takes it as a personal critique or attack...and attacks back. sigh.
ReplyDeletehugs.
ouch. It's never totally easy is it? Never just a magic stream of nice. He's finding himself, just getting to know you guys as an adult and you him. It'll all settle some day soon. Just you wait and see.
ReplyDelete(Love the new look of your blog!)
YES YES YES there is also the Terrible Teens...and luckily I think it burns out at age 30...haven't had an "OMG" moment since the younger hit 30, anyway...sighhh...hoping for the best for you dear friend!
ReplyDeleteSandi
Oh hellyeah that's a phase. Or at least I hear. I think this is one of those things that, unfortunately, will pass in time. UGGGH, I know.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the new blog look. Wishing you a very happy and healthy new year!
I went through that as a teen. I was pretty intolerable. I did come out of it by the time I was 20. I guess is depends on when it starts. I hope he gets out of it soon.
ReplyDeleteIt looks like you have hit on something that a lot of us are struggling with! I have a 21 year old who has chosen a lifestyle that is COMPLETELY against anything we ever taught her and a 19 year old who can't get enough of the gospel, the church is true, lives in Utah and goes to college. (I'm LDS--not to be confused with LSD which better explain my current mental status) I watched a video of myself in my 20's on New Years Eve and suddenly it all became so much clearer. Yikes!!
ReplyDeleteI do have that book that Binders talked about--it is really good--I could mail it to you if you wanted.
Good luck--when you get it all figured out--write a book--I'll buy it!!
I think it IS a stage, and should pass eventually. I remember thinking I was the smartest person in the whole universe when I was in my early twenties. Truly, I thought that the rules applied to everyone but me. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteaarrgghh - best of luck!
ReplyDeleteI thought that it was bad enough having a brother with a chip on his shoulder. It must be far worse when it is your son that you do not see very often. I hope that things improve.
ReplyDeleteI hate chips (except the vinegar and dill pickle kind oooo or the frito lay bbq corn chips..sorry)! If you think about it...you can't eat just one. As much as you'd like to throw them away...they keep you coming back!!! tehe
ReplyDeleteSo sorry my friend..just trying to make a smile creep up on you..work? I know I was a perfect 20 year old...cough, cough..scared outta my pants (not a good visual either) to have one that age!!
Just sending you a hug. (((Jeri))) :)
ReplyDelete